Girl - blessing or burden?

 'Your first child is a girl? Don't worry, you can always try for another child and I am sure it will be a boy.'

'Whatever it is, it's only a boy who will carry forward the family name. A girl always belongs to some other family. '

These are things we still hear, in this century, not only in uneducated households, but also the so-called educated, 'modern' households. Those households that purport to be all for gender equality and equal rights for women, still bear these kind of notions about a boy and a girl child.

Today is Women's Day and already there have been many videos and ads talking about Women Empowerment and freedom for women. But for all their good intentions (or not), most of them have always seemed to me, paying lip-service to the issue, rather than actually address it.

Gender disparity and its consequences are not issues which we can be tackled in such a manner, through few minutes videos. Nor does it make it possible to understand the effect of it.

But there is one Pakistani show, Zindagi Gulzhar Hai, dealing with the concept of whether a girl child is a burden or blessing, which did a phenomenal job of understanding what it does to a child, to be rejected by her father because of her gender. She neither gets the emotional nor financial support from her father, of which she is due. She is forced to pave her own path, amidst too many hardships and struggles, to achieve her dream of becoming a self-reliant and independent person.

And yes, one can argue that, it would have made her a completely confident and courageous person; it did. But what made the show stand-out is how admirably it managed to capture the other facets of this 'confident' person. The facet, where she is afraid to relinquish some control of herself,  to her husband, when she gets married. She is not able to accept money from him, when he tries to fulfill his duties, as he perceives it to be, as her husband. She is afraid to completely let down her emotional guard with him.

There is this marvelous scene,  where she is so afraid, when she learns that she is pregnant. She is not afraid because she is pregnant; she is afraid because she fears her husband also might leave her in case she gives birth to a girl child. That too,  neither the poor fellow nor his parents ever hint about such a thing.

This feeling of her is multiplied when she finds out that during a scan that she is going to be a mother of twin girls. A person may argue that,  her being a woman and also having achieved all that she did,  without a father's support, should actually feel happy that she is going to have girls.

But what actually happens is that, years of her insecurity of not being enough for her father, years of facing hardship because she is not a boy,  years of seeing her mom struggling as a single- mother just because she couldn't give birth to boys, have taken a toll on her self-worth as a person and also as a woman.

For years, it has been pointed out to her,  subtly and not-so-subtly, that she is below the chain because of her gender. And when she hears this news, she is forced to confront her own pent-up and suppressed fears and insecurities.

An act of neglect/ disparity,  however small or insignificant it may seem to others, causes a significant amount of impact on a person's psyche. It forms the kind of person they end up becoming.

It is definitely true that we, as a society,  have finally started questioning the status-quo and acknowledging that women should be given their due. But it is as much true that, there are still small words/acts of gender disparity that still pervades the society and our culture.

It's not just enough to acknowledge that things have been unfair. It is equally important to take that step forward, to check ourselves on our intentional and unintentional moments of disparity - be it by words, thoughts or deeds. And not just during March, but on all days of all months. Be the change you want there to be!

Love thyself...

Hi! I am Priya. No, I am not anyone special. I’m just one of those ordinary people you come across in your life frequently. I am happy to welcome you to live through a day of my life – a day with the same monotonous schedule as every day ever.

Wait, are you able to hear it? It’s my husband puttering in the kitchen. From the smell coming from the kitchen, I guess he is preparing my favorite masala dosa with the previous day’s left-over potato masala. I know what you are thinking – he is such a sweet guy, isn’t he? He likes to surprise me like this every now and then. 

Even though I ask him not to strain himself, he always says, “Dear wifey, do I say anything when you prepare something special just for me, in spite of just getting back tired from work? I wish to do the same for you too. Why do you want to spoil my fun?” I guess he is entitled to his idea of fun. Though I must say, I just cook his favourite food and it’s really not that big a deal. I am sure there are women who do much more for their beloved and with better efficiency too.

I have to admit, I got extremely lucky with him. Can you actually imagine? ME, a girl who is all of 5’2” with not so fair skin and nothing else much appealing either, being married to a guy, who is as handsome (like a fairy tale prince) and accomplished as he is! Most important of all, he is such a good person too. A guy like him could get anyone - I am still surprised he chose to marry me and it has been almost a year since – the golden period of my life.  

OMG! Look at the time; I’m getting late for work. I better stop talking and get on with my day. See you all a while later.

--------------------------

What are you looking at? I am just trying to decide which dress I am going to wear today. I know. I am taking too much time with it, but what can I do? If I wear this light blue one, I will look shorter; but if I wear the other one with stripes, I know I will look fatter. This lovely dark-teal colour will suit my physique but I don’t think I am fair enough to carry it off. Let me choose this light-maroon top – yes, it’s perfect. 

This is going to be a daily battle till I start with my plans on hitting the gym. I have got to shed these extra kilos on my arms and hips. My doctor does say I am fit enough for my age and height but what does he know, right? I mean, I can’t change my complexion but I can at least do something about my body. It’s the least I can do for my lovable hubby. Just the other day I was thinking - I would love to have a trim body like Tanya’s. I bet she works out religiously. How does she manage to look well put-together all the time? Why couldn’t I have been a cool person like her rather than the plain, boring me?

I would love to keep chatting, but I really need to get going. Shall we meet a little later at my office?

-----------------------------

“Here are my ideas on themes for our company’s New Year party, Ajay” I forgot to mention; Ajay is my team lead and we are organizing this party together. 

“Thanks a lot Priya. Oh, please come into my office at around 4 p.m. I would like your inputs on the design for RA Company’s office space. “  

Oh no! There he goes without even give me a chance to reply. Why can’t people here understand that I am not a very creative person? I am just a follow-what-you-say-and-do-it-correctly kind of girl. I know I am going to let myself down among all these experienced people. God help me, I need a refreshing cup of coffee to get through this day. Let me go get it.

“Hi Priya!” I turn to see Tanya waving at me. Oh, I feel so inadequate just looking at her. 

“Hi Tanya, how is it going? You still haven’t shared your tips with me on how you manage to maintain your physique so well?” 

Why is she giving me this enigmatic smile? “Ok, I am going to visit my grandmother today. Why don’t you come with me? I have told her a lot about you and she really wants to meet you. She is also the secret behind my weight-management story; you can get as many tips as you want from her”. 

Wow, that’s interesting; she has won numerous beauty pageants in her time. She must be something. “Ya, sure. I would love to go meet her. See you outside after office hours.”

------------ 5 p.m. 

 “Hey Tanya! Shall we get going?”

“Sure. I’m parked out here. Come on, hop in. 

Priya, I want you to know something before we reach my grandmother’s. I used to be anorexic when I was in college. “

“Oh my God! Tanya, I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I have been really tactless.”

“No, no. That’s alright. My grandmother had a big part in bringing me out of it. That’s why she is really special to me.”

Ok, now I admire her and her grandmother even more. But this is unbelievable. This girl, who I thought had the perfect body, was anorexic? I wonder what even happened. 

“Come on Priya, we have arrived. 

Well, this is my grandmother, Laila. Grandma, this is Priya.”

Wow! Look at that woman, how come she looks so beautiful! Not that she is slim or trim, as I would expect out of a former beauty queen. And I’m pretty sure she has let her body age naturally. But  still she looks awesome.

“Hi dear, come on in. I have been expecting you”

-------------------------

“Ok dear, now that we are done with food and drinks, shall we get to the reason my granddaughter brought you here. Tanya mentioned that you wish my tips on weight management among other things.” I nod my head while Grandma continues, “I would like to try something with you first. It’s an exercise which my first trainer taught me and one that never fails.” Absolutely, I’m all for it. “Please stand in front of this mirror and tell me what you see.”

I tell her what I always see – a brown-skinned woman who could lose some weight.

“Now imagine your mother standing there looking like that. Will you tell the same to her? Will you love her less just because she looks like that?”

“Of course not; I love her for what she means to me, not for how she looks”

“That’s right. Then why are you not able to believe that your loved one’s also love the person you are; not what you look like? Ok, let’s set it aside for a while. Can you tell me if there has been any occasion in your life when you had made an unkind comment to anyone?”

“Well, no Grandma. I hate it when people are unkind to each other. So, I consciously try to avoid doing it.”

“No, there is a person you have been unkind to always.” 

WHAT? I can’t recall ever being unkind to anyone.  

“Child, I am talking about you. When is the last time you had a nice or kind thought for yourself?”

Wait a minute, I feel like I have been hit with a hedge-slammer. What grandma says actually makes sense, doesn’t it? I don’t remember a time when I had thought something nice about myself. 

“Don’t you see dear, you didn’t even think to count yourself as a person. Don’t you think you also deserve to be valued as a person by yourself? Shouldn’t you, as a person, be of as much value to yourself as your loved ones are? There is always so much emphasis being made in a society about finding that special someone. Sadly, it is often forgotten that you must first feel special to feel deserved to get someone special. 

As much as you love the people in your life, your mutual love will be completely defined, independent of all co-dependencies, only when you are able to feel completely deserving of their love. And that will never happen as long as you are not able to accept and love yourself as you are. When this acceptance happens, what you get from the opposite person completes and fulfils you, rather than making you feel inadequate.”

“I told you I was anorexic, didn’t I?” Tanya is saying, “I was fine till I was in school. But at college, I got so much attention for my looks that I started being insecure about myself and my body. I stopped being comfortable with myself and started having a skewed perception about my body, based on others’ image about my body. By the time my family found out about it, I had already reached the very bottom. It was a really hard and uphill journey for me to be where I am today. 

The therapist I was consulting with then, made me understand the foremost mistake I had made. I had stopped loving myself for who I am; rather I chose to value and strive for an image which had no connection to me whatsoever. I forgot being kind to myself. I couldn’t connect with the people who truly loved me as I am, because I had lost connection with myself. As a result, I ended up giving less value to their feelings for me and hurt them as well. 

I asked you here to meet my grandma because she was a big help in boosting my morale during my period of struggle; I hoped she could be so for you too. I had started noticing that you were about to enter the same hellish path I had gone on. And so, brought you here hoping that my experience will stop you from making the same mistake I did. I hope we both have been of some help to you."

 

“Oh yes, Tanya. You people have been an eye-opener for me. Since childhood, I have always strived to be the best I can be and thought that being self-critical will lead me there. But what I didn’t realise was that I had been damaging my spirit in the process. I also understand now why I could never feel worthy of my husband’s love. 

Talking to you both has really given me some perspective. Thanks a lot for sharing your experience, Tanya. I am extremely glad I visited you, Grandma. What Tanya says struck me more, only because it was coming from you. It was a pleasure to have met you "

“Then, I am glad for you, child. May God’s blessings be with you! I wish you a fulfilled life complete with self-assurance. And always remember, self-love is true love.”

Truer words ever said. Don’t you all agree with her? I am going to think long and hard about how I can start loving myself. How about you?